So, I often wonder to myself, Am I overindulging my kids? A friend of mine and I had this conversation yesterday while we were waiting for our boys to finish JuJitsu. Am I one of THOSE parents creating two inherently lazy members of the American society? Of course, I wouldn’t like to think so, but am I?
I mean, we both agreed that children are insanely micromanaged these days. They have no capacity to make decisions on their own, dress appropriately, know what to do when. But, I think this is OUR fault. We are creating a generation of non-thinkings, non-doers. And, I think we are confusing them. We have all these expectations but do not allow them to actually fulfill them. Where do we get off thinking that everything needs to be done our way every time? Do we feel so out of control in our everyday lives that we have to find the one thing that we feel we CAN control-our kids?
My husband and I have expectations in our home (and in public for that matter)-you live here, you become a contributing member of the household, you act appropriately and with respect. We are the “yes ma’am, yes sir family. We are pretty good parents by most standards and our kids are fantastic children. And, these expectations don’t mean we expect our six year old to be able to do the laundry on his own or even at all for that matter, but what it does mean is that we expect that he understands that he has to bring his clothes down on his own to be washed or they don’t get washed (yeah right, the clothes always do get washed regardless, but the threat seems to work even though he could care less about clean clothes to be completely honest-but you get the picture). I don’t think that is out of line at all…but are we doing enough? Are we doing too much for them all the while expecting them to be able to learn to be self-sufficient?
On the other hand, I really want so badly for my kids to be able to stand on their own two feet everywhere they go. But, I seem to have a difficult time “letting go” and allowing my children to actually LIVE the lessons that we have taught them…look both ways when you cross the street (seem to always still remind them), clean your rooms, make your beds, PLEASE do the dishes, feed the dog, etc etc etc. I mean if they don’t make the mistakes and see the repercussions will they really actually learn the lessons? Did I?
Shouldn’t we teach our kids similar to a lesson at school? They teach the lesson and then send the kid home to do the homework with the knowledge that they may get a few wrong-to be brought back to go over and show the child where she went wrong so that when the true test comes around, she is ready because her brain has seen how to correct the mistake -here’s the kicker-BY HERSELF? But in this “perfectionist” society are kids trying too hard to find the correct answers to the homework at any cost so as to not get any wrong, that they miss the lesson of it all? Are we making sure our kids are too “perfect”? Are they more afraid of making a mistake than they are of not learning the lesson?
It used to be those kids “born with a silver spoon in their mouths” were the ones whom society branded as spoiled and lazy-not knowing how to do the basics in life for survivial…but in this “you owe me” society of ours, even the children from middle and lower income classes seem to think that society owes them something…like they don’t have to give any sort of contribution…”Working hard” seems to be a mantra of the past. Of course this broad statement doesn’t encompas each and every child but for the most part, this is what I have experienced.
So the question is, how do we find a “happy medium”? One where we can teach our children the valuable lessons in life-survival lessons, then let them go and figure it all out ON THEIR TERMS but be able to hold them close at the same time? Do we need to release the hold-give them a little more leeway? Instill in them the confidence to go out there and as Nike says, “Just Do It”. Or is it me who needs that confidence???
I want to parent like a wind up car…you wind it up and then you let it go-it goes where it wants but needed that original boost from me in order to move forward….But I am so afraid that something will happen to them or that they won’t know what to do that I think sometimes I smother them too much. So maybe this isn’t about the kids at all? Maybe this is about us…me. My insecurities, my issues, my control, my need for doing it my way. I don’t do things exactly the way my parents did…so where do I get off thinking that my kids have to “do it my way or it’s the highway”? So long as it gets done, why do I REALLY care the method? Is our type of parenting creating an Orwellian-type society? Are we seeing the beginnings of a 1984 (and I’m not talking about the date).
I know I will not be that parent who contacts the collge professors to make sure my kids are “taken care of” while in classes there…but unless I climb out of my own need for perfection and control and helping them at every angle, my kids are going to expect that. To some extent, I need to let them “fail” and be there to support them when they do (with love and understanding and lessons)…so that they can actually use the lessons that we have taught them to pick themselves up and prove to themselves that they are indeed self-sufficient and can do it!
I’m lucky, I have two pretty incredible children who seem to tolerate our expectations well. But unless I let go a little, I think I am setting them up for failure-that I haven’t allowed them to experience before. I need to love them enough and trust them enough to allow them to fail. Please comment on your thoughts in the comment section…
What a vicious circle….
I am….
In Good Health…
Linda
TIP OF THE DAY:
This is certainly a non-sequitor tip as to my blog topic today! But here you go: Allow yourself to find five things you are grateful about for the day. Just before bed, write them down, or just think about them. Even if you had the very worst day ever, there is something out there that you can be grateful for. Find one if five seems out of touch. How about, you got to wake up this morning…got to eat-something as simple as that. But I suggest you find something deeper…Find something good even if it is out of the bad. Do this for one week if you can…see how you look at life in a completely different manner.
ingoodhealthhawes 